WHERE DO I FIT (aka Am I A Ministry Failure?)

OK let me preface this whole thing by saying this - I'm not writing this for sympathy. This is one long, whiney, complaint filled blog, but I just want you to know it's not a pity party. I'm not writing this to get 20 comments of how awesome I am (while true *sarcasm'd*), I'm just venting. This comes after a series of disappointing events and the best way I know how to get it off my chest is to vent. And for some reason my generation does it on the internet. I know what you're thinking - "If you don't want a bunch of comments why talk about this on the internet for everyone to see" Answer: I have no clue. I just do. Maybe I'm looking for company in my misery not a solution. Who knows, but here it goes anyway:

Am I failure at ministry? Like all ministry? I know the answer people - of course not. I know God has a purpose for me but I'm getting tired of failing along the way! Where do I belong!?

Youth ministry was my LIFE! I'm not exaggerating or trying to sound like an altar boy, but it was all I ever wanted. Event while I was a youth I just day dreamed about what it would be like when I was a leader. All of the great things we would do, all of the kids we would reach, and I honestly wasn't thinking in the terms of fame (who's ever heard of a famous youth pastor) I honestly had a passion for the ministry. So obviously I was supposed to be a youth pastor! That's what the church helped me understand. I had a serious passion for the ministry and therefore I wanted to be the man in charge of it.

WRONG

I don't fault my church one bit. They were the most encouraging, uplifting, and supportive group of people. They saw my passion and said - a youth pastor in the making. But when I saw everything that went into being a youth pastor during college it was a giant wake-up call! Yeah I had a passion for youth but man alive did I NOT want to be the man in charge.

And this wasn't just a fleeting moment of being overwhelmed and throwing my hands in the air giving up. I honestly, truly realized I wasn't called to be a youth pastor. Of course I still had a passion for youth, just because I didn't want to be a pastor didn't mean I have up on the entire ministry. Maybe I was just supposed to be a sunday school teacher!

Move forward to a new state, a new church, a new chance! Let's try this Sunday School thing

WRONG

Again, my new church was beyond supportive, encouraging, and reaffirming. And again this wasn't another case of being scared and giving up before I tried. I prayed. Trust me I prayed. I just did not feel led to teach. I'm not a teacher. But you went to a Christian college so obviously you know everything! Or not! Oh you work in a career where you speak publicly all the time, so obviously a small classroom is nothing! Wrong again! I just didn't feel it. And yes I know ministry isn't a feeling. It's not some whim you get, "oh I think I'll be a Sunday School teacher...naw don't like it, nevermind."

All of these decisions that I wasn't in the right place came with serious prayer. Serious soul searching. Serious questions, conversations, and debates with God. And I never felt like I let him down saying I wasn't mean to be these things. Maybe I just hadn't found my place yet.

But I love how the church (in general not singling out any church) has a funny way of making you feel bad for not feeling led to do something. Ministry leaders think you're a perfect fit for ________ and so they approach you. They tell you to pray about it before you decide. But if you every answer no (after praying of course) you get this feeling like they know better. "No you just didn't pray hard enough or you weren't listening - I really think you'd make a great ______." Not saying you're wrong but shouldn't I know what God told me? Then my favorite is when they (again speaking generally not about someone I've dealt with) sign you up for it anyway and tell you to give it a shot and see. Well if I don't feel called to do this how is making me do it going to help?

Yes I know a lot of people are just scared and if they actually try it they come to love it. But in my case I've tried everything offered to me at least once. I tried it really I did. I've preached, teached, led, etc. I'm just not feeling like that's where God is calling me.

I guess my whole point is - is that wrong?! Yeah I learned a lot of the Bible in college, and I loved learning it. Maybe my role is in learning, and sharing it in a one-on-one basis, not in a classroom setting. I honestly don't see myself as a leader in any way, I'm a big time follower. You make the plan and I'll help you achieve it to the best of my ability.

I don't know I guess I just feel like sometimes the only way someone says you're in ministry is if you're leading something. Like coming to church and learning and fellowshipping isn't enough (obviously I'm not talking about just coming to church and going home. Faith without works is useless. I'm just saying I almost feel pressured to minister in ways I don't feel are my ministry, and shame on me for feeling that way)

It feels like a cop-out to say based on what my job is but I really feel like my job is my ministry. I get to work with and speak to and minister to youth every day - even if I don't open my mouth! I present AMAZING teachers on the air every day - and they're not me! But I love it! I find it fulfilling!

So why do I feel like a failure because I don't feel led to be a youth pastor or a sunday school teacher or a leader in "the ministry"? And why does it make me feel like an even bigger failure when people tell me all day that I am supposed to be one of those things? Am I allowed to disagree or does that mean I'm just not listening to God?

WHERE DO I FIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?